एक आहट...

तनहाई में गुम है ऐसे,

की आहट भी कमज़ोर है॥

वो आए ज़रूर मेरी चौखट पर.

पर चंद लम्हों के लिए॥

सदियाँ बीत गयी पर आज भी,

इस दिल में उनकी धड़कनो का शोर है॥

नज़र कमबख्त हटती ही नहीं उनसे.

दिल इबादत, उन्ही का जोर है॥

रौंगटे हो जाते है खड़े,

जब भी होते उनसे रूबरू हम॥

इस दिल के कदम आज भी,

बढ़ते उन्ही की ओर है॥

इश्क तो किया ही हमने,

और दगा भी खायी॥

सन्नाटे भरी गहरी रातें

गिन-गिन उनकी यादों में जलाईं॥

ऐसी चोट खायी ही हमने,

की रूह थरथराती है अब हमारी॥

दिल कांपता है इश्क करने से,

और लोग दिल-फेंक बुलाते है॥

जब मोहब्बत थी हमें उनसे,

हमने थी दुनिया भुलाई॥

आज भी उनकी याद में,

कितनी कड़वी लगे तनहाई॥

एक दौर था जब मुस्कुराते थे हम,

उन्ही के मुस्कुराने से॥

दर्द-ऐ-दिल हाल है मेरा,

आज उनके चले जाने से॥

काश ये दिल बयान कर पाता उस मोहब्बत को,

जो थी, और अब भी है॥

नज़रो में उनकी ज़ालिम है हम.

पर ज़ुल्म किया भी खुदपे है॥

Smoking Ugly

I started walking tonight,

With a kretek in my hand.

I smelled it and lit the match,

and put it on my lips.

The flame kept fighting with me,

I burnt the kretek's tip.

And as I dragged it, my heart feared.

the sweet taste on my lips smeared.

The smoke went inside,

through larynx, into my lungs.

It tasted so good,

my head swerved, my heart jumped.

I dragged another puff,

I started laughing to myself.

Someone come and rescue me,

Wait! I don't need no help.

I looked at the red tip,

seeing it burn into ashes, I felt.

Is it the cigarette,

or my life burning to hell?

I closed my starry eyes,

and went into flashback.

Am I not the person who I was?

or was I not the person who I am?

The early days were better,

but until when?

It's time to move ahead,

my life has just begun.

I threw the kretek right then,

my thoughts saved me today.

Lying on the ground it burnt,

angry and in dismay.

Scribbling Love

What do writers do?

Blabber, Blabber and Blabber more.

Well actually,

They Scribble, Scribble and Scribble more.

So, this night brings me to more scribbling and blabbering. I will write more shit and continue to write it until death separates me from writing. Well, that simply means you'll have to bear me and my hogwash for the rest of my life and possibly yours as well. Tonight, I am not going to talk about love, I am not going to talk about God and I am not at all going to talk about success or failure.

I will keep it plain and simple.

Well, not exactly my style. ;-)

Love, as we call it. Isn't it crucifying? We keep on thinking about love, long for it and keep waiting for it to happen. What a strange four letter word that plays with our testosterone and estrogen, makes us go weak in our knees and feel butterflies in our stomach. Is it love? Or is it just a psychological disruption? I second my second thought. Psychological it seems to me, after that I have been in love, undergone a heartbreak, fallen in love again and again... and again. It just doesn't stop and it never happened that I was ever in love with two women at a particular point of time. Well, I am no prerogative for having falling in love over and again. I just have a psychological belief that love exists and I keep on expecting to receive it. I see someone, talk to her and in a blink of eye I know that she can be the one or not. I, then, turn my pursuits on and approach. Now I don’t know if that is love or not. However, that is.

When I can strenuously and consistently believe in the existence of God, how can I not believe in love with the same passion? People say love is about understanding each other. I question, if love is all about understanding each other then what is compromising? Isn't understanding the other person's will and suppressing your own, compromising? She likes coffee and I like tea but I am having coffee just because she likes it, is a compromise. Where as love is when he/she prepares a cup of coffee and tea, and they have it together. Well, this stands as a very understated example of a subject that has a much wider scope. A similar example cannot hold good in case of buying a car or perhaps something else.

When you fall in love with a girl, at first she says - "I just want you to love me all my life." And then -

'I want that dress.', 'I want to meet your family.', 'I want to marry you.','I want the TV remote.', 'I want kids.', 'I want a house.', a new car...and on and on and on ...

Then she finally says (something that I call confessing) - 'I want a life.'

Horrid no? People call it a crazy sweet little thing called love.

If I have to summarize love, it would take me a lot more than just a few words and it would take me really, really long to express it. However, I will summarize love in some ugly true words.

Love is - Compromising with yourself for someone else. It is living for the other person and doing what he/she wants. Love is suppressing your own feelings for others. Love is essential. Like I said, love is, strange and crucifying.

They say love is surreal. Love is, but we make it surreal.

Life and Inspiration

So...nothing is static, nothing is perfect, permanent or final.

As the night passes by, do we lose time? or do we gain it?

Do we even realise that in a day we come back to the same position, we started our day from. One by one, bars in life cross and make it either stiff or subtle.

The moon looks so lovely on a full moon night. Nothing incomplete is beautiful or majestic. However, everything cannot be complete. Life will become too dull if things are stark. Where will the inspiration come from?

It'll come from within.

Little changes in life can completely bring joy and make you feel exulted. The subtle changes are not hard to indicate. Life isn't tough, unless we make it. It's crazy how we abandon & ignore the most important things in life, just like a male seahorse. The female lays egg in the male's pouch, keeping trust in him. Though, he abandons the part that should be the most important in his life, his children, just as they hatch.

Life gives us unpredicted results, some in our favor and some against.

The sun doesn't rise or fall. It is stagnant. Yet, we think that it is in motion.

No matter how big the sand house is that one builds, if it isn't made away from the shore, the waves will take them along with them. If it's made away from the shore, the sun will stiffen it and muddle it down.

Life is moving, so are we. The sun is inspiring and deceiving.

You don't wake up from sleep and become rich one day. Sun changes its color but never its course. The difficulties in our life are just the different colors. If we make our mind stiff and determination strong, no matte how many different colors we see in life, we will achieve success & satiate our desires. Even a dog doesn't pee until it finds a perfect spot, let alone the life. Life will strike an opportunity at the right time, if you don't grab it, it's gone. Life rotates, completes its circle and rotates again.

Why don't we fall, when the earth is rotating? You're correct, gravity.

As the sun comes up, the sea gets hazier no matter what season it is. When life tumbles, a similar gravitational force holds us and keeps us from falling down. Our part is only to keep holding on.

I Want You

Baby, you make me mad. You make me desperate.

Baby, I want you. Baby, I do.

You are the only one now, I have no other desire.

You are my single dream - for my life, entire.

I wanna have you now, I wanna be with you.

I don't care what they say. You are my bird flu.

No matter what happens, I'll surely find you.

Losing you - I won't let. I will come, get you through.

Baby, You're mine, mine. None other, but you.

You are my daily rhyme. I wanna sing you new.

I will be with you, I will always be.

With you in my hands, life will be freely free.

Walking

Tired from not working at office while I was headed to home, I just twitched towards the cafeteria to have some orange juice. I could not believe on what my eye balls were perceiving. She was sitting all alone, having her lunch at around 4 pm. When I saw her, my heart struck 12 and started smiling. She looked lovely, like always. Her hair was falling on her face making her look innocent as ever, as she chewed the food between her molars.

I fell in love with her once again.

She is so pretty. Not that I haven’t seen prettier faces but there’s something different about her. It’s always something different about them, the one we love.

The second thought that came into my mind was-

Today’s my day, let’s talk to her.

I went to the food counter and quickly juggled coins and notes at the billing counter and ordered a glass of juice. While I was waiting for my order to be served, my only hope was that she stays.

And she did! I took my glass of juice and carried it along with all my guts to her table. She was busy on phone, talking to someone in her family. I kept my bag on the chair adjacent to the seat opposite to hers. She was so aloof talking over phone that she didn’t even notice. While I was sitting on the chair, she noticed me. I could totally read her expression-

‘What the hell?’

I gave a stupid smile back at her.

Though I distracted her from talking over the phone, I couldn’t manage to gain her precious attention. I kept on looking at her, adoring her beauty and innocence. I could feel her going nervous, she totally succumbed to it. I sat quietly in front of her for I really enjoyed it. Feeling and watching her right in front of me instilled me with joy. The feeling was exulting and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Some two minutes later, she took a pause in her conversation and uttered words to me-

“Anything you want?”

I smiled at her. She smiled back at me and I nodded in affirmation.

“What?” She asked me smiling.

“Get done with the phone then we’ll talk” I replied.

She continued talking over phone and I continued smiling.
There were two very obvious reasons –

One, I was sitting right next to her. Second, I got her most desired attention.

Happy hands of the clock were moving while I was waiting for her to get off of the phone. Just then, two ugly souls (not that they were ugly) from our batch came in. Their jaws fell right down on the ground and their eyes popped out watching me seated right in front of THE girl.

That was the moment when my head swerved and I felt like walking away. I help my head down and supported it by my hand. I told myself –

‘Today isn’t the day when you’d get to talk to her.’

Those two imminent, stupid souls couldn’t sense that when two people who walk in two different directions (she away from me and I towards her) are sitting together then there must be a special occasion. However, they had to come and sit on the same table we were sitting. Utter disgrace.

She turned around & looked at the two of them. I could so read her expression once again–

‘Eureka! God is there.’

I didn’t move from my chair hoping that the two most unwanted people, at that moment, would walk away.

But they didn’t. I tried the trick of giving them ugly looks as well, it failed.

After a while, she got off her phone but the minions didn't move. My eyes were glued on the LCD behind, as I had presumed. Though, I was looking at her from the corner of my eyes (something guys generally don't do). She waited for me to turn around, I didn't.

Then after some pateint moments, she asked me-
"Yes! Tell me, you have some work from me?"

I nodded positive again and told her, "You talk to them (the minions) then we'll talk."

"I'm done talking to them, we'll leave together."

My heart thumped and I said, "Fine, will talk to you some other time."

She stood up and walked away. I kept on looking at her and she faded while walking. I turned around towards the table and saw my half filled glass lying. I grabbed and gulped the juice down my throat, stood up, carried my bag and walked out thinking that the glass is half filled and so is life. There aren't much chances in life but they do come around.


P.S: Long post after a long time, straight from my heart.

Why am I lonely ?

Is it the darkness?

or is it only me?

I see a light ahead,

oh! no, its just me.

why did the moon,

reflect on me, its gloom.

why this melancholy?

why disparity?

this futility,

is emptying me.

I just question this world,

why put me in these twirls.

I feel my head spinning,

my body swerves.

I tried, I tried,

yeah! I served.

gave everything up,

lost all the turf.

It was just for you,

you were my herb.

why did u poison me?

and made me vile.

I don't hate you,

I give u smile.

now I miss you,

not 'cos I love.

its just the care,

I couldn't curb.

Lucky Books, Kinky Looks.

It was October of 2009. In the middle of autumn, this incident happened. It wasn't the intention that I would some day write about it but I guess it was inevitable. The story starts with a cute girl. Yes, there’s always a cute girl behind every mystery. So there was this girl I met, her name was Zee.

No, she wasn’t Chinese or Japanese. She was Indian, pure hearted and beautiful. Meeting her was another mystery in itself. We met at a bookstore while browsing for books that were unprocurable in the store. While we were waiting for the manager to narrate us when can we find the book? We looked at each other.

Some minutes later he arrived and announced,

“Sir, the book is out of stock…”

‘Like I don’t know, you idiot!’, I thought

“…we will try to make it available to you ASAP.” the manager continued.

I was looking at her, wondering the secret of her gleaming beauty. I staked a 100Rs on Lux.

“Sir, the book will be at most available by next week.” He repeated.

I juggled with the magazines in my hand and uttered, “Oh! …”

Then I pored my thoughts and continued, “Oh Fuck! I can’t wait for that book.”

“Sir, I am really sorry.” said the apologetic manager.

‘As if you ate the book’ I frowned at the manager.

Now the manager turned towards this girl and enunciated, “Sorry mam but you too will have to wait till next week.”

“Actually you two are looking for the same book that is out of stock.” He told us.

I felt as if somebody had injected energy straight up my Ass.

My eyes popped out, I was flabbergasted. I lifted my face to look at her again.

She gave me her most uncanny expression. That was when I closed my mouth and smiled. Now I must tell you about my smile. It’s awesome. When I smile, all my muscles act accordingly and stretch themselves with all the power they have to make the most beautiful smile in the world. :-)

But then she smiled. I couldn’t help but open my mouth again. I was literally gaping at her. I was wrong; she had the most beautiful smile in the world. It was scintillating. That's when I noticed her teeth. I staked another 100Rs on Close up this time.

“Isn’t it….”

She turned around when I was about to make a statement.

I quickly ran upto her and said, “Hi”

“Hi” she replied.

“Isn’t it a sweet coincidence that we both are looking for the same book?” I took my chance.

“Yes! And it gave you a chance to flirt, isn’t it?” She looked at me with one eye brow up.

“Uh…heh...umm...” I blabbered.

“So what do you do?” she asked me.

“umm..I am a final year student.” I said.

“And you study?”

“Engineering. What do you do?” I asked keeping my calm.

“You sound as if no girl wants to talk to you. I am sure you must be single.”

“I am. But you din’t tell me what do u do?”

“See I knew it. I am a class XIth student, Lakshya School.”

She belonged to the best girl’s school in the city. I took two Cadbury’s Shots from my pocket and offered one to her.

“Beta, Mann mein laddu foota?” She smiled.

“No...Hoh...umm...I…” I blabbered again.

She laughed and took Cadbury’s from me. I was lost in her laughter.

I knew from the very first moment that she was different. She actually was different.

She took out a cellphone from her king sized black purse and dialed a number,

“Rajesh, get the car.”

“Nice meeting you. Bye Bye.” She said to me, turned and swayed.

I again ran upto her and stopped her. When I saw her face I knew I was about to get the most sarcastic reply to anything I say. So instead of attempting to make a conversation I smiled and said,

“Bye.”

“Bye.” She said with a smile and retreated.

You must have already guessed how hard the week would have been for me but that wasn’t it. The harder part was that I didn't know if she was going to turn up next week. For the first time in my 21 years of life, I literally prayed to god with all my heart. While praying I opened up my eyes at least thrice just in order to check if God cared to perfect my sight after hearing my prayers. It was a cinematic experience for me and something really cinematic happened next week. Yes, you guessed it right she turned up on that day (and in case you couldn’t guess, you’re too dumb to continue reading). She was standing two shelves away from the entrance browsing some books. I felt as if she was waiting for me. I approached her.

“Hi!” with more confidence I said this time.

“Hi!” she replied with a smile.

Just before I could say anything, the stupid manager came along with a bag.

“Here’s your book ma’am, anything else I can do for you?” The manager handed the bag over.

He then looked at me and continued, “Oh Sir, we have your book now. Should I zip one for you too?”

I gave a frowning smile (don’t ask me about it, it’s something that I do when I am pissed off) to the manager and nodded. Then I turned towards her and looked at her with my best smile on(yes, the same best smile that was second best in the world now).

I got the same weird expression from her.

“I got to go now. Nice meeting you once again...?" she said.

“Arsh, What can I call you?” I made the best use of the opportunity I had this time.

“Zee.” She replied.

I blinked my eyes and checked her out once again and said

“You are Zee?”

“Yes, Zeeyana but I like to be called Zee.” She said and looked at me as if it was a warning for me.

“Ok, Zee and what does your real name mean exactly?” I enquired.

“It means bold.”

“Aah! I know that.” saying I smiled.

“My driver will not be back before 2, I will have to wait now. Shit!” She murmured to herself but I guess girls do this thing quite intentionally. They do it because they want us, guys, to hear to their problems and find an absolute solution to them and so,

“You can read more books or window shop here, no big deal.” I suggested.

“No! I want some coffee. Do you wanna sit at Costa?” she asked me.

I had an adrenaline rush through my body. Two weaknesses, first was coffee and second Zee (yes I fell for her by now), I couldn’t resist the tempting offer.

“Yes, who in the world would say no to coffee?” I accepted the offer.

We went to the Costa, had a few cups of coffee while waiting for her driver to return. Over coffee I realised that Zee was the only child in her family and her father owned car business and so I realised that not only she is pretty, intelligent but she does belong to quite a rich family.

When the bill arrived, I was summing up the coins I had in my pocket. The only thing I wondered was it would be a shame if I am unable to pay the bill. Only when I was iquiring myself about how am I going to pay off the bill, Zee snapped it away. I tried to catch hold of it but couldn’t.

“C’mon you are not paying the bill.” I insisted.

“Oh! But I invited you here, so let me…”

“Sure but next time.” I interruped Zee

“Next time?” Zee enquired with her patent one eye brow up expression.

I was flabbergasted, wondering what to say. Suddenly she started laughing and started scribbing on the bill we received.

“LOL! You are so cute. Don’t worry I was just kidding, here’s my number.” She couldn’t stop laughing and I was drowning in the sea of her overwhelmed emotion.

I was at the same time embarrassed and happy. Embarrassed because I should have paid the bill, happy because she called me cute(whenever a girl calls you cute, it means she likes you).

15 minutes thence Rajesh arrived and we both bade adieu to each other. If you are thinking who paid the bill, I must tell you she did.

3 days later, I picked up the bill that had Zee’s number scribbled on it and took the courage to dial.

At first I dialed the number but hung up without it rang. I thought she had given me the number on her own, I shouldn’t be scared to talk to her. I dialed the number.

A few seconds later I heard a computerised voice from the other end,

**The number you have dialed does not exist. Please check the number and dial again.***

I thought may be I dialed a wrong number, so I dialed again but got the same response. I kept dialing the same number again and again but there wasn’t any alter in response. I was appalled and had no idea what to do. Just when I looked at the clock. It was 1.30 PM, Lakshya’s classes are scheduled till 2PM. I don’t know what struck my mind but I quickly caught hold of my bike and flew to school. I tried to find Zee but couldn’t. I enquired about her but got no positive response. One girl who wore a yellow badge that said ‘CAPTAIN’ said there is no girl by the name of Zeeyana in school. The diwali vacations had started in school and students were firing crackers. Each time a cracker was fired, I heard two bursting sounds. One was that of the cracker, the other my heart’s.

I tried to find her in the city but couldn't, went to the car showroom she aforesaid to be her dad’s and found that the owner was a 70 year old man whose wife died 10 years back and had no child.

It’s been 17 years, I’m married and I still own that bill. I even pray at times that I get to see her once again in my life. Costa no more exists so I go to nearby coffee shops hoping one day Zee would come and sit next to me and I will be able to hear her laugh once again.

Disclaimer:All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

Rain...

When I first saw the sky,
I didn't feel what was happening.

It turned from blue to brown and black,
And then lightening struck the mighty earth.

It hit the globe like a boxing punch,

And disfigured its face.

Another one from the left this time,
And two, and three and once again.

This was the time when the rival clouds struck,
and blew each other apart.

You ran away from all this violence,
To save the earth from this war.

Oh Rain, you brought the peace along,
To heal the broken ribs of earth.

You are the joy, you are the ataraxis,
Only you could turn, the world on it's axis.

This was the time when the sky became Orange.
It looked so pure and full of juice.


The smell of soil moved up my nostrils,
and freshened my heart and soul.

Oh! Thank you rain for this feeling,
I could never feel, without you the same.

Now that everyone is calm and afresh,
I Thank thee for giving them some brains.

For there is nothing like peace,
But it shall not remain the same.

This is an everyday game, for it's the nature's duty,
I hope you bring this joy forever and keep gleaming this beauty.