Loneliness and Me

Loneliness, I questioned, "Why have you struck me?"
"What is it that you want?"

"Who me? No, you have shrugged me."
She answered with spasm.

"You held me and now you're not letting me go."
I told her in despair.

"I did not ask you to come..."
"..I did not know when you reached here."

"The parities of life, brought me here..."
"So why do you blame me?" She answered me there.

"You were to make a choice, you have made one."
"It was all mesmerizing, but now there's none."

"You had the control, could have survived."
"Why did the life choose me? If I were to thrive."

"You could have made a decision, that would have kept you content."
"All I know now is that it wasn't my intent."

The life is beautiful, it's just the way we see.
Sorrow, happiness or perhaps glee.

"I agree with you dear, you've shown me a path."
"It makes me sad, to see my craft."

"No calm down, oh loneliness. Don't be despaired..."
"...You are beautiful, it's just the percept"

Saving You

I know you're weak but I love you.
It hurts me to see you get my share of love.

I know they love me too but I cannot feel it now.
I am sad, in despair, what should I do?

I lied to you once, it was for your own good.
Though am not happy about it, the pain will accrue.

They were too weak and I am not so strong myself,
I took your responsibility, I only wanted you to better.

I betrayed when you trusted me the most.
I'm sorry about it, have nothing to say.

They took you to the hospital and exposed your couture,
I held them in grief, thinking if I'd ever meet you again.

They told me you'll be fine, I wasn't so sure.
I loved you so much, I couldn't stop crying.

But you have won the battle of fate,

And brought glory to my life, our life.

See the change, this decision has brought to your life.

The agony, the pain, it all has rushed apart.

The best in you.

I think of the time where I have mercilessly felt depressed, lost or even dead at times.

Hard times, as we like to call them.

Hard because our mind is unable to think or act. It’s hard because we lose the capability of exercising our thoughts. Hard because we feel that we are stuck somewhere and become claustrophobic. We think that getting out of the situation is impossible. We presume that it’s the limit and a dead end to the road. We are agitated, distraught, off balance and we completely lose track of what we are doing or what we want to do. We do things that we haven't done before just in order to feel some change, on the good side.

In such times, we forget what we are capable of. We have lost our confidence and are shattered. They say desperate time calls for desperate measures. They say it right but they also forget that the desperate time is actually the time where one can leverage the learning opportunity. It is the time to expand one's horizon and go for the kill.

The best in you lies within. You are the best and no one can beat you except for yourself. It doesn't matter if you are cheated or betrayed in any phase of life. Faith keeps the hope alive; hope ignites the fuel and rekindles the energy within you. Liberate the fear and fulfill your desires for you are the one for yourself, you are the driving force and none but you can make yourself win this situation.

In life, people will always tell you that you have made a mistake. They’ll tell you that you’re mistaken at this point but they’ll never acknowledge your efforts and the goods that you do. You just can’t afford to take it. However, it is only you who can convince you that you are the reason behind everything, be it good or bad and only you can make a change happen. Change is good and is inevitable. One cannot defy the nature’s law for it will complete its circle. It is difficult to accept the truth but one who accepts it comes out as a winner. Not many people will tell you the good things about you but you must respect those who do. Life is a strategic imbalance. The more you try to understand it, the complex it gets. The more you try to solve it, the more intangible it gets. It’s like a web that seems comprehendible but only the spider, God – the one who has built it, knows it intricacies. However, with concentration and meditation one can easily unravel the mystery. You just have to believe that the best lies within you, rest will follow.

Scribbling Love

What do writers do?

Blabber, Blabber and Blabber more.

Well actually,

They Scribble, Scribble and Scribble more.

So, this night brings me to more scribbling and blabbering. I will write more shit and continue to write it until death separates me from writing. Well, that simply means you'll have to bear me and my hogwash for the rest of my life and possibly yours as well. Tonight, I am not going to talk about love, I am not going to talk about God and I am not at all going to talk about success or failure.

I will keep it plain and simple.

Well, not exactly my style. ;-)

Love, as we call it. Isn't it crucifying? We keep on thinking about love, long for it and keep waiting for it to happen. What a strange four letter word that plays with our testosterone and estrogen, makes us go weak in our knees and feel butterflies in our stomach. Is it love? Or is it just a psychological disruption? I second my second thought. Psychological it seems to me, after that I have been in love, undergone a heartbreak, fallen in love again and again... and again. It just doesn't stop and it never happened that I was ever in love with two women at a particular point of time. Well, I am no prerogative for having falling in love over and again. I just have a psychological belief that love exists and I keep on expecting to receive it. I see someone, talk to her and in a blink of eye I know that she can be the one or not. I, then, turn my pursuits on and approach. Now I don’t know if that is love or not. However, that is.

When I can strenuously and consistently believe in the existence of God, how can I not believe in love with the same passion? People say love is about understanding each other. I question, if love is all about understanding each other then what is compromising? Isn't understanding the other person's will and suppressing your own, compromising? She likes coffee and I like tea but I am having coffee just because she likes it, is a compromise. Where as love is when he/she prepares a cup of coffee and tea, and they have it together. Well, this stands as a very understated example of a subject that has a much wider scope. A similar example cannot hold good in case of buying a car or perhaps something else.

When you fall in love with a girl, at first she says - "I just want you to love me all my life." And then -

'I want that dress.', 'I want to meet your family.', 'I want to marry you.','I want the TV remote.', 'I want kids.', 'I want a house.', a new car...and on and on and on ...

Then she finally says (something that I call confessing) - 'I want a life.'

Horrid no? People call it a crazy sweet little thing called love.

If I have to summarize love, it would take me a lot more than just a few words and it would take me really, really long to express it. However, I will summarize love in some ugly true words.

Love is - Compromising with yourself for someone else. It is living for the other person and doing what he/she wants. Love is suppressing your own feelings for others. Love is essential. Like I said, love is, strange and crucifying.

They say love is surreal. Love is, but we make it surreal.

I Want You

Baby, you make me mad. You make me desperate.

Baby, I want you. Baby, I do.

You are the only one now, I have no other desire.

You are my single dream - for my life, entire.

I wanna have you now, I wanna be with you.

I don't care what they say. You are my bird flu.

No matter what happens, I'll surely find you.

Losing you - I won't let. I will come, get you through.

Baby, You're mine, mine. None other, but you.

You are my daily rhyme. I wanna sing you new.

I will be with you, I will always be.

With you in my hands, life will be freely free.

Who is GOD ?

God is mystical. God is gender declassified. God is not him/her. God is God.

One shouldn't stop seeking God because for us Hindus, it's the way of life. In fact not just us, every theist seeks god and his presence. I am sure one must have felt his presence in ways more than one. I can claim that so confidently because I myself have experienced it. Again, I would say God isn't complex. He's clean and tarnished. For he has created this world to provide both pleasure and pain.

God has given life and death. There's a pro and con to everything imaginable. Where life brings joy, happiness on one hand, death brings along sorrow, malign and loneliness on the other. However, the beauty of death is that it doesn't affect the soul it effects. Imagine and experience its beauty, one doesn't even know how, the person who just died feels. He lays calm and cold in his deathbed. His brain, heart and body stops functioning but the soul is still there. One never knows, wonders or cares about the soul. It's always about the body.

When god must have been creating this world, he must have thought for a while or may be not because only the mightiest of all could have created such a simple world. It could have not been better. I admire every bit of it. So much for us to see and explore that it is impossible for us to experience every chunk of it in one lifetime. Life is clean, simple if we see through the lens of our soul. Homosexuality, heterosexuality, love, hatred, heaven, hell, pain, sorrow, joy, grief everything comes in pairs. May be that is one reason why they call your soul mate your 'better half'.

Life is symmetrical.

God is and will always be. One can only find him through doing good and just the right thing. That right thing should be right according to you and no one else. Change is good and I am sure God is its favorite admirer. God just loves to see changes in this serene world. Rain, breeze, clouds, tsunami, earthquake et cetera are all kinds of different changes and god just loves them. One may feel blessed and joyous only when he seeks joy. Sorrows are bleak, sometimes even bland. However, one can love them too. Nobody does, but one can.

In a rendezvous with the almighty, I asked him -

"Why everything in pairs?"

He smiled (he loves to smile) and said -

"Life is a mirage. The only thing I didn't create in pair is life. Had I not created things in pairs, life would have had too many varieties. I didn't want to scare your life."

I believed him, took his bow and blessings and only wished to see him again.


P.S: Special thanks to Gaurav Pandey, to turn me enough on to write this post. May God bless you.

Beauty Admired

Looking at the serene beauty of the mountain, I wanted to be there, at it. In a flash, I was in between the two mountains. It didn't take much time for the train to complete the half circle and take me to heaven. I felt prerogative, though the train was cruising along its usual route.

As the sunbeam fell on the brown mountain rocks, it twinkled a brownish radiance as if it was trying to seduce it audience with the chocolate. At least I am the one who was. Experiencing such a scene was a beauty in itself. Moving under the shadow of one mountain and watching the sunlight fall on another. It seemed like the nexus of two worlds. I felt disparaged, thinking why am I not a mountain or a cloud or perhaps a river. For the first time in life, I felt ugly.

Looking at things from a far distance might make them look good or bad, sometimes even beautiful but the ultimate beauty lies within, inside the heart of it, in its soul and its nucleus. Nobody wants to feel ugly. You may feel beautiful or ugly, it's totally upto you. You'll feel whatever you want to, no matter what other people say. If you think you're beautiful, you're the most beautiful thing in the world.

Now that I am going far away from the mountains, I see them smiling at me, as if they know about the beauty they contain in themselves. I felt as if they were watching me and telling me -

"We need not be remarked."

Right after these series of events, I wanted to relive the moments passing by, so I just kept on mesmerising the moments and went on to take a nap.


P.S: I wrote this back when I was traveling from Bangalore to Lucknow. I just felt ecstatic at that time and words poured out from my heart. I found it today in a writing pad, so here I am drafting it.

P.S: I could totally feel it all over again while re-writing.

Walking

Tired from not working at office while I was headed to home, I just twitched towards the cafeteria to have some orange juice. I could not believe on what my eye balls were perceiving. She was sitting all alone, having her lunch at around 4 pm. When I saw her, my heart struck 12 and started smiling. She looked lovely, like always. Her hair was falling on her face making her look innocent as ever, as she chewed the food between her molars.

I fell in love with her once again.

She is so pretty. Not that I haven’t seen prettier faces but there’s something different about her. It’s always something different about them, the one we love.

The second thought that came into my mind was-

Today’s my day, let’s talk to her.

I went to the food counter and quickly juggled coins and notes at the billing counter and ordered a glass of juice. While I was waiting for my order to be served, my only hope was that she stays.

And she did! I took my glass of juice and carried it along with all my guts to her table. She was busy on phone, talking to someone in her family. I kept my bag on the chair adjacent to the seat opposite to hers. She was so aloof talking over phone that she didn’t even notice. While I was sitting on the chair, she noticed me. I could totally read her expression-

‘What the hell?’

I gave a stupid smile back at her.

Though I distracted her from talking over the phone, I couldn’t manage to gain her precious attention. I kept on looking at her, adoring her beauty and innocence. I could feel her going nervous, she totally succumbed to it. I sat quietly in front of her for I really enjoyed it. Feeling and watching her right in front of me instilled me with joy. The feeling was exulting and I couldn’t stop smiling.

Some two minutes later, she took a pause in her conversation and uttered words to me-

“Anything you want?”

I smiled at her. She smiled back at me and I nodded in affirmation.

“What?” She asked me smiling.

“Get done with the phone then we’ll talk” I replied.

She continued talking over phone and I continued smiling.
There were two very obvious reasons –

One, I was sitting right next to her. Second, I got her most desired attention.

Happy hands of the clock were moving while I was waiting for her to get off of the phone. Just then, two ugly souls (not that they were ugly) from our batch came in. Their jaws fell right down on the ground and their eyes popped out watching me seated right in front of THE girl.

That was the moment when my head swerved and I felt like walking away. I help my head down and supported it by my hand. I told myself –

‘Today isn’t the day when you’d get to talk to her.’

Those two imminent, stupid souls couldn’t sense that when two people who walk in two different directions (she away from me and I towards her) are sitting together then there must be a special occasion. However, they had to come and sit on the same table we were sitting. Utter disgrace.

She turned around & looked at the two of them. I could so read her expression once again–

‘Eureka! God is there.’

I didn’t move from my chair hoping that the two most unwanted people, at that moment, would walk away.

But they didn’t. I tried the trick of giving them ugly looks as well, it failed.

After a while, she got off her phone but the minions didn't move. My eyes were glued on the LCD behind, as I had presumed. Though, I was looking at her from the corner of my eyes (something guys generally don't do). She waited for me to turn around, I didn't.

Then after some pateint moments, she asked me-
"Yes! Tell me, you have some work from me?"

I nodded positive again and told her, "You talk to them (the minions) then we'll talk."

"I'm done talking to them, we'll leave together."

My heart thumped and I said, "Fine, will talk to you some other time."

She stood up and walked away. I kept on looking at her and she faded while walking. I turned around towards the table and saw my half filled glass lying. I grabbed and gulped the juice down my throat, stood up, carried my bag and walked out thinking that the glass is half filled and so is life. There aren't much chances in life but they do come around.


P.S: Long post after a long time, straight from my heart.

How Much I Love

I wish I could just melt your heart,
and make you love me.

Dreaming about you in the lonely night,
makes me so happy.

Holding your hand for the first time,
Oh! that anxious moment.

It tickled me all over,
just the brush of your hair.

The waiting for you to come down,
when time ticked off quickly.

Loving you is I can't stop,
Yes, am mad about you.

The way you walk,
and sit and talk.

My breath's held,
for the deepest sigh.

The transition,
happened so quickly.

From just another girl I met,
to the one for me.

I wish we were in school together,
I would have glanced at you from the corner seat.

Would have given you candies all day,
chewing them you'd have stained your shirt.

Sitting beside you,
and caressing your hair.

Then you'd have known,
how much I love.

It's just for you,
It's only love.

If Only

If only you would smile at me,
It would have really made my day.

If only you would let me,
I would dance in a crazy way.

If only you knew what people say,
You wouldn't turn around to them.

If only I had a chance,
I would watch you go sleep.

Your eyes are beautiful as pearls,
I like the way you frown.

I can't help looking at you,
I wanna cuddle you down.

I wanna be the one for you,
And I just wanna tell you.

That love is in the air baby,
You wanna fall in love with me.

I got to be the one for you,
I love you, will always do.

You're There

a.k.a I know you there

I close my eyes

And I hear your voice

I feel so good

I feel life

You're a dream to me

You're a lie

I wanna be with you

And look you in the eye

I see figures

Each in the crowd

Yes, all are true

But not one like you

I feel you

Though can't see

Its displeasure

Merely glee

Uncertainty

I hardly see

I know you're there

The world will see

Imagine

All the possibilities

When we will meet

Sharing disparities

Anomalies

Oh thats not WE

Its the love, love

Truly free

P.S. Special Thanks to Vidhi for her, as always, valuable suggestions.

The place I've never been to

There's no sign of dust,

the leaves are lemon green.

A white bird came close to me,

and sang in my ears.

A dark bench in the park,

that rusted in the rain.

That water in the pool, shining,

making wrinkles, a duck that's swerving.

When the sun shone, the clouds insured,

the snow melted, silent n' slow.

A girl sat next to the pond,

thinking about her life.

Her tender lips, mellowed

her hair, they gently flowed.

Rhymes and songs,

that scenic view.

This place,

Where I have come,

Is it the one I wanted to?

Is it my wonderland?

am so much made,

for this place, I say.

This is the only,

My lovely way.

I love to be in this new world,

but that girl, I love her curls.

I thank you god,

for this utopia.

Now I have arrived, to this beautiful place.

It soothed my hysteria.

Random Thoughts

Here I just felt a wind breeze,

Coming off of a maple tree.

Here I welcome the Rainy Season,

Catching hold of Summer's treason.

A whelming tune from the guitar,

Soothing up our sore hearts.

Yes! I want to drench in this rain,

I've been hearing it's worth the pain.

I waited for this all summer,

It's arrived so soon that I feel rummer.

Oh! the clouds, pour now,

and purify the earth.

She needs you more than I do,

and yet she couldn't state.

I'd love to see you pour again,

with a dulcet thunder clap.

And I remember the lightening too,

It strikes a giant flash.

We smile and pose and play together,

As she takes our pictures away.

O rain now, it's been a while,

I miss the rainy play.

Pinku and his Siblings (Monkey's Play)

When the hands of the clock struck 3 in the gleaming sun on an appealing day of April, three prankish monkeys decided to flirt with my neighbours, The Dhobi's. I named them Pinku, Naanu and Sonia not because I am quite fond of naming some random monkeys but since these name belonged to the children of my prerogative neighbour.

So all the three primates conspired against my good neighbours and since the Dhobi's lived on the first floor, they were the easy target. There laid a bed in the porch of Dhobi's where a packet of peas was lying. Pinku, Naanu and Sonia drooled over the pack of the peas. So they plotted the captivition of the peas.

Pinku took the charge of the situation and ordered Naanu to hop onto the balcony grill. Naanu quickly followed the order. One thing that was to be noticed that none of my Dhobi neighbour were in the porch, I guess everyone was on a prowl. Anyways, so by this time Pinku and Sonia went upto the pack of peas and opened it very carefully. Suddenly Pinku noticed that I was watching them from my rooftop. I smiled at Pinku and for a moment I felt he smiled back at me. He jumped in joy as if he got my approval to snitch the peas.

I continued to watch their act closely. Once Pinku and Sonia got hold of the peas, they were exuberated and jumped with joy. Naanu derailed from the balcony and ran upto his brother and sister to enjoy their newly succceeded meal. But this wasn't all, Pinku and his siblings had just started to enjoy the cheer of the party. Pinku stood up and moved on to the entrance of the house. He pushed the half bolted door and it opened like the Alibaba's cave door. Quickly Sonia jumped from one railing to the other and covered her brother. Right behind them was Naanu, he moved his two meter tail and swiveled it in the air. Pinku decided to enter Dhobi's house. As he went inside the house and his brother and sister were about to follow him, I heard a scream from inside the house. I knew my neighbours have had a tryst with the Monkeys. The next thing that I witnessed was Pinku (the real one), came out with a broom in his hand and was attacking his family replicas. This was the time when Sonia and Naanu realised that the time has come to leave the place. They quickly hoped on from one grill to the other and in a matter of time all three of them were on the rooftop of the three storeyed building. They walked one behind another feeling proud of their act.

As I was watching them go and smiling at the misery they had caused to the Dhobi's, my eyes struck with Pinku's (the monkey's) and I felt as if he winked at me. I couldn't control myself and I winked back at him.



DISCLAIMER: All characters appearing in this work are NON-FICTITIOUS. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely INTENTIONAL